Where’s the Off Switch?

I haven’t had sex in in what feels like forever, it isn’t forever, maybe six weeks. That is the problem when your husband leaves you, not only does everything change but you lose your sex buddy. The man that knows your body better than anyone else, has a memorised map of all your buttons and pulls the most amazing orgasms from your body.I have come to terms with most of the changes that have happened in recent months, yes it has been difficult but life goes on and you learn to adjust to most things but god do I miss the sex.

And this is where it gets complicated because we are both still attracted to each other, we both still wish we could enjoy the amazing sex we once had but feel like it is off limits.

For me there is still an emotional connection and I think watching him leave again afterwards would set me back. I know that I would be asking questions of why does this have to stop, why can’t we just have this all the time but I know that he doesn’t want that.  After nearly 20 years together there is no way I can treat sex with him like it doesn’t come with a side of love but I know he isn’t in that place and that thought makes it all a bit sad.

I wish I was able to disconnect my feelings, that there was a magic off switch I could flick when needed so I could still have the toe curling sex I had become accustomed to but I guess for the foreseeable future I’m going to have to get used to going solo.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

Alone

For the first time in a long time I posted a picture today.

Taking this picture my initial thought was that I miss being the little spoon but then I realised I still am the little spoon, I’m just missing the big spoon.

Its all these little things that you become aware of in the weeks after the initial shock of your life being turned upside down. There are so many things I miss but for the first time in the recent months I am feeling this more acutely.

I miss the closeness of another person, having someone to wrap their arms around me and make me feel that I matter, that I am important. I miss tenderness, a gentle stroke across my skin, a softly placed kiss on my forehead.

I miss feeling loved.

It’s hard to imagine never feeling those things again but it is equally hard to imagine someone loving me in that way again.

For now I have to learn to accept I am a little spoon alone.