Life’s Too Short

There are so many quotes nowadays that we can relate to, Insta memes aplenty and depending on what mood you’re in that day you will always find some that speak to you but the one that’s always relatable for me is “Life’s too short.”

A quick Google search of these three word will bring up lots of versions.

Life’s too short to drink bad coffee.

Life’s too short to say no to cake.

Life’s too short to wear boring clothes.

And so on and so on and while I like good coffee and can never say no to slice of cake for me these words reach deeper than these trivias.

In a couple of months I’ll be turning 40, based on averages and if I’m lucky that will mean I am halfway through my life and that brings all kinds of clarity to me. The first 40 years have gone so fast that I don’t want waste the second half of my life worrying about the what ifs and future regrets because life really is too short.

Last year I suffered from depression, it was only once I came out the other side of it some six months later that I could see it but I promised myself that I would not let myself do that again. If I felt that way again I would ask for help because life is too short to lose months pretending I’m ok.

This year has been tough for me, my husband left, my cat died and my son was threatened. I’m a fairly tough cookie but even I have been a bit broken by this year and although I know I will come out the other side I made an important decision this week and went to the doctors.

I knew I was slipping, I’m not in the depths of depression but thankfully I recognised the signs this time round and instead of thinking I could fix everything myself, I decided to ask for help because life is too short.

Drink the coffee, eat the cake, tell people you love them, live and be happy!

#F4TFriday

Masked

The greatest battle we face as human beings is the battle to protect our true selves from the self the world wants us to become. E.E. Cummings

Mask

Many year ago now I took a counselling course and one of the first things we did was talk about the masks we wear. It was only then that I realised how many different masks I had worn through my life and how many I was still wearing to fit the different parts of my life, work, home, friends and so on. None of them felt fake, I wasn’t pretending to be these different people it was just automatic to adjust to the environment I was in at the time but the one thing I noticed that was present in every mask was “strong”. I was in charge at work, I was running a home and my friends often turned to me for advice and guidance and would comment on my strength.

I always wore it like a badge of honour, yes I was strong, I had been raised that way and at the time I didn’t see any downside to everyone believing I had this strength; but there is. Once people have this view of you, it becomes difficult for them to comprehend you being any other way, no one considers that perhaps sometimes you don’t want to be that person, sometimes you want someone else to take the weight and let your shoulders have a rest.

I realise this is a position of my own making and something I need to work on, how can I expect people the see me differently if that is the person I project? The trouble is its hard and scary to shake it off, this façade is my protection but in the need to grow and improve here goes.

My name is Ouizzi and I’m learning to take my “strong” mask off because there is so much more I wish you could see and so much more I want to be. Behind that mask I am soft and vulnerable, I hope for the best in every situation and feel every disappointment deeply. I will stop hiding my doubts and fears and pretending that I am fine all the time and hope that no one stamps on my big heart because behind my mask is becoming a lonely place to be.

#F4TFriday

Where’s the Off Switch?

I haven’t had sex in in what feels like forever, it isn’t forever, maybe six weeks. That is the problem when your husband leaves you, not only does everything change but you lose your sex buddy. The man that knows your body better than anyone else, has a memorised map of all your buttons and pulls the most amazing orgasms from your body.I have come to terms with most of the changes that have happened in recent months, yes it has been difficult but life goes on and you learn to adjust to most things but god do I miss the sex.

And this is where it gets complicated because we are both still attracted to each other, we both still wish we could enjoy the amazing sex we once had but feel like it is off limits.

For me there is still an emotional connection and I think watching him leave again afterwards would set me back. I know that I would be asking questions of why does this have to stop, why can’t we just have this all the time but I know that he doesn’t want that.  After nearly 20 years together there is no way I can treat sex with him like it doesn’t come with a side of love but I know he isn’t in that place and that thought makes it all a bit sad.

I wish I was able to disconnect my feelings, that there was a magic off switch I could flick when needed so I could still have the toe curling sex I had become accustomed to but I guess for the foreseeable future I’m going to have to get used to going solo.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked